I put an insane amount of pressure on myself.
Pressure to be so much and so little at the same time.
Be more talented, be smarter, be more outgoing, be more sociable, be shorter, be thinner, be calmer, be quiet.
I’m sitting down to write this just after trying to film a new YouTube video. I wanted to make my content more accessible, so I was filming a video version of my Micro Acts of Self-Harm post, but I found it insanely difficult. I don’t think I’m a natural on camera, and rather than tell myself it’s okay and work around that, I beat myself up about it. Why am I not good on camera? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like those pretty girls on YouTube who have it all? The lighting, the cameras, the microphones and the personality. I wish I was like them. But I’m not. I don’t have the right equipment or personality.
So I sat on my bed on the verge of tears because I wasn’t perfect. Again. For me, nothing I ever do is good enough, and never will be. At least, that’s what I normally think.
But you know what? Fuck that. I am good enough. Not everyone can be all things to all people. There is literally no one on this planet who can do it all. The idea that I should somehow be the first person to achieve everything to a professional standard is ridiculous and unfair. I am what I am, and what I am is more than good enough. In fact, what I am is great. I work hard both in my professional and personal life. I’m still healing, and part of that process requires me to relearn how I see myself. So today I choose to see myself as perfectly imperfect, and a work in progress. No pressure, no strings, no waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I’m Hannah, and that’s more than enough.